Monday, 31 January 2011

It's kind of sinking in now

Hiya :)

I think it's finally starting to kick in that these things I've been talking about actually happened to me.

Yesterday I scrolled back through 2 weeks of posts on Facebook to check some facts for yesterday's hospital blog to make sure I hadn't remembered things wrongly.

I saw the post I made on Facebook at about 2 pm (ish) on the Thursday saying matter-of-factly that I was going for surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, and if I stiffed it it was nice knowing everyone. I was in shock. At that point, I really didn't know whether I'd live or die as I'd never had an operation before and I was worried about that, as well as feeling scared by everything that had gone on so far that day. When I looked at my post on Facebook later someone had posted that I must've had to think long and hard about the decision to have the operation. Err, no. It's simple, take away the pregnancy and live, or leave it and die. There was never any choice in it, and the hospital staff certainly weren't going to let me commit suicide.

Just 2 minutes after I posted that I was passed out on the bathroom floor losing blood internally from my burst fallopian tube and losing blood from my nose, which had just smashed into the sink then the floor. Hearing how James had to wait a couple of hours on his own while I was in theatre (because all our family live in Kent or London.) I was in theatre longer than that but at least he had company for the second half! He burst into tears when the surgeon came out to tell him I was going to be OK - that brings it home, how close it was. He was in such a state one of the theatre team gave him a huge hug.

As well as all the stuff that has happened to me, it's also sinking in that the baby is no more. Pregnancy is everywhere. At least 4 of my friends are in various states of pregnancy varying from just pregnant to about to drop. I don't begrudge anyone their pregnancies, because I know how magical it is and I hear how such bloody hard work it is in latter stages. But still, there's no avoiding it. I joined up to a load of baby clubs before all this shit happened. So far I've had 2 soft toys delivered, a baby magazine and a slew of e-mails have arrived. Is there an option to say sorry, I lost my baby and actually I can't face these e-mails any more?!

On my ill-fated visit to the supermarket, the first thing I saw by the door was a box full of Johnsons baby goodies, followed by a whole aisle of baby things from stair gates to strollers. It's almost comical, especially at this stage because I don't know if I can conceive again.

In the last 7 years since I had my previous miscarriage (it was an ectopic pregnancy which reabsorbed in my tube) I have NEVER felt any period twinge, ovulation pain or any discomfort at all from my right side. Meanwhile I've had no end of grief and pain on my left side since 2003. I don't actually know if my right side works. I guess time will tell and my next period will be a good sign everything is still ticking over. If my right side isn't working I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, to be honest (and pardon my French).

I can't share these concerns on Facebook (despite many of you nice folk from Facebook reading this) because I don't want to be told my fears are stupid, and there are some prats afoot in my list, to be fair, thanks to my giving every bugger a chance! To me these thoughts are real and scary and I don't want anyone to dismiss them or belittle them. Actually, I'm sensing that people's sympathy in general is running out, so I'm very keen to keep my posts there from now on positive, even if I feel like shit, because there's always some smart arse with a wise crack who makes me want to put my fist through the back of their head. Don't worry, the low dose of antidepressants I was on before my pregnancy are slowly kicking back in and I should - hopefully - feel more peachy soon.

I have a friend who asks EVERY day if I'm better. I wish! How the hell do I politely tell her I'm 2 weeks into an 8 week recovery and everything happening is by such a small degree I don't even really notice it myself?! Or am I supposed to lie and say I'm feeling so good I'm going bungee jumping 2 weeks and a day after being released from hospital? I learnt the hard way with my last miscarriage that if you pretend you're fine and dandy when you actually feel like shit it fucks you up for years. I'm not going to be hurried into being better physically or mentally. It'll be about another 6 weeks before I'm anywhere near good physically, and God alone knows how long it'll take for the mental stuff to come out.

I have this outlet at least.

A shopping trip too far....

On Tuesday the 18th we had the bright idea of going to Tesco to pick up a few bits.

What harm could it do?!

Quite a bloody lot, actually! Less than halfway round the shop I was literally screaming with every step and openly crying. It got to a point where I couldn't move at all and was standing on one leg. I told James to call an ambulance as there was no way I could take another step. My mum asked a Tesco worker to get a first aider and within a minute 2 women came along with a chair. Unfortunately it was an office chair with wheels which I just couldn't sit on, so someone went and got a wheelchair. I was slowly lowered into it while one of the ladies held onto my left leg because I just couldn't move it at all. For a while she knelt on the floor carrying the weight of my leg until the pain passed and I could put it down. The staff in Tesco were fantastic. I can't thank them enough. From gently urging me to sit down to joking with the ambulance driver that I was found in the booze aisle (hehe) they really made a shitty situation bearable.

It was like something out of a comedy movie when the 'ambulance' came. It was a car ambulance, and to make matters worse, the driver was out of gas and air. So not only did I have to get into a bloody car, I had to do it without relief. Deep joy! Eventually I got into the bloody thing and was off to hospital again.

There was a quick stop in A&E while the ambo driver spoke to the ward I was discharged from 2 days before. Luckily they said to bring me straight down to the ward.

One of the surgical team who did my operation came in and asked what antibiotics and painkillers I was on.

*blank face*

Zilch. The pillocks had discharged me from hospital with an 8 inch wound with no antibiotics and no painkillers. So she gave me 2 lots of antibiotics and some codeine. Luckily by this point I'd been sitting down for about an hour and was able to hobble out of hospital under my own steam. I was off home again to start recovery again, this time properly.

I've yet to brave the supermarket again :)

Sunday, 30 January 2011

In hospital and just after

After I woke up and took some water, I was wheeled back to the ward. I saw James, my mum and step dad, and my brother and his girlfriend waiting anxiously. I gave them all a weak smile and a wave.

I was settled in the ward and the nurses did obs (observations: blood pressure, temperature and oxygen saturation) , and then the nurse asked "Are you ready for the onslaught? They're all very worried about you!" I think James and my mum came in first, followed by my brother and his girlfriend and my stepdad last. I can't remember much of what went on because I was on a morphine drip, and I also had 2 units of blood that night to make up for the blood I'd lost. Thank God for blood donors!

I still had my catheter in with the drip, morphine and blood going in, and was on oxygen. I must have looked a lot worse than I felt. There was a no-nonsense nurse called Julie who made me sit up in bed (OWWWWW!) while she plumped up my pillows, but I'm glad she did as I slept great the 2 nights she was on. She also made sure I had a pillow between my legs and an extra blanket. I was dozing in and out of consciousness all evening and slept quite well, despite the 10 minute obs, going to 15 minute obs, and then finally 30 minute obs. I had an automatic blood pressure machine on which did it at regular intervals through the night so they didn't have to wake me to take the cuff on and off.

The woman in the bed opposite me was called Joyce and she'd had a keyhole hysterectomy. She had an automatic bed which I was envious of, as she didn't have the trouble I did trying to stay upright. Because the hospital mattresses and pillows are covered in rubber (or something else similar) for waterproofing, it's almost impossible to stay comfortable when you have no tummy muscles to sit yourself up with as you find yourself constantly sliding down the bed.

The biggest problem for me this night was mouth dryness. I was nil by mouth and I had a cup full of pink medical liquid (kind of like mild mouthwash) and some sponge lollies to wet my mouth with but it wasn't enough. 

The next morning (Friday) I was so dehydrated and I'd run out of liquid. I asked a nurse for some more liquid and she just brought me more swabs, so I had to ask someone else and after what felt like hours some arrived. I wanted to cry by this point as I felt like I could blow dust.

My dad, cousin, mum, step dad and James came to see me on Friday. My dad took one look at me and was about to burst into tears, so I told him not to start or else he'd set me off  :) My cousin bought me a lovely bunch of flowers. Another lady in the ward gave me 3 magazines which was lovely. By late afternoon (I think, again all is blurry) my drip started leaking blood and morphine down my arm, so they took me off the drip and I had some water and orange juice. Beautiful! Julie got me to sit up in bed again (OW OW OW!) but the relief when I laid back down on 6 fluffed up pillows - divine! I'd have kidnapped her if I'd have known what a lazy pair of bitch nurses we'd have on Saturday night!

I had my catheter out on Saturday at 6 am (!!) which meant lots of trips to pee. I had 3 nebulisers today and was back on the oxygen again (after hardly a break at all) as my breathing was so poor. All those blood clots on my chest must have affected my lungs. I had visits from mum and stepdad, James and JP on Saturday. I had to get mum to wash my downstairs places as because the staples were so sore I couldn't reach anything properly. Thank God for mums! I was starting to get windy and JP was rating my farts on a scale of 1-10. It sounds crude but trapped wind after an op is AGONY (as I was to later find out) so it's important to get it out. Everything was making me laugh, which was unfortunate as laughing, coughing and sneezing were really really painful. I had my tea while the visitors were there, with cheese and crackers for afters, and I managed to put my phone down on the upturned butter wrapper. I picked my phone up, realised it had butter all over the camera shutter, looked around for a tissue, and seeing there wasn't one, I licked the phone clean. Out of the blue at this moment the camera decided to come on and take a photo of me. That was it, I was off in paroxysms of laughter and just couldn't stop.

An after effect of the intubation during the op which lasted past coming home was my throat was red raw and that food seemed to 'stick' down my throat, making me cough violently to get it up, which was very painful, but it's passed now.

The 'nurses' who were on on Saturday night were useless cows who couldn't even be bothered to draw the curtains in the ward or put down the blinds, so we were all laid awake bug eyed until 1 am, when because the WHOLE WARD was still awake, one of them lifted her arse off the chair to do it. I spent most of the night on the chair as I just couldn't get comfy in the bed, and I think I managed half an hour to an hour in the end. The lazy baggages knew I couldn't sleep but couldn't give a toss. I'd never been as pleased to see the day nurses before. The whole ward agreed the next day the nurses were uncaring and lazy.

On Sunday morning when I went to the loo I'd started to bleed, and the young lady doc who came to see me every morning (who was SO bloody nice and genuinely caring - worry was etched on her face) was a bit worried, and said they'd keep an eye on me today (earlier there were murmurs of me going home). First thing when I started to bleed, I wanted to stay in another day, but when I realised I might have another night with the lazy bitches, I had a wash, got dressed and said I wanted to go home.

James and my step dad came to pick me up early afternoon and I came home. I could see our new bed for the first time, which was delivered on the Friday I was in hospital. It's lovely. A brown leather sleigh bed with massive storage drawers. It's very comfortable, which is just as well as I'm spending a lot of time in it :)

My brother and dad came down to see me on Sunday afternoon but my brother didn't say much. It turns out ever since this all happened he has withdrawn a bit inside himself. His girlfriend told me on the frantic drive to the hospital he barely said a single word. My brother gave me two cards, one from him and Kim and one from Kim's 2 daughters. It was written in their own writing and it choked me up and I had a good cry. I had a real bad couple of days of crying ALL the time for the first few days after I came home.

Sunday night I had a hideous night and felt like I should've stayed in hospital. I was sweating so much James had to change my pillows over 3 times. I soaked the bed with sweat.

On the Monday I found myself crying all the time so I rang the doctors but I couldn't get an appointment anyway until later in the week. On Tuesday me mum and James went to the supermarket. Big mistake.

I'll post a bit more about going back to hospital and my recovery since soon.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

More life stuff & some photos


I'm recovering slowly.

Tuesday was a bit of a shock. A 'harmless' walk around Tesco saw me rushed back into hospital by ambulance. I was screaming and crying with every step and didn't care a jot what people thought of the crazy screaming woman in the aisles. The pain was indescribable. It turned out the nurse who discharged me 'forgot' to give me antibiotics to take home so there was probably some kind of inflammation in there (I've been having hideous temperature fluctuations and night sweats ever since I came out of hospital, a great indicator that all isn't well). Also, I was only on paracetamol for pain relief, and they were just not strong enough. I've got an 8 inch wound. Paracetamol was never going to be enough. What were they thinking?! That aside, my hospital care was fantastic and I will carry on the story of my time in hospital soon.

Understandably, since Tuesday I've been taking things very easy. I've worked out what exacerbates the pain (almost any kind of movement of my left leg) and am doing everything I can to avoid pain. Getting into a car is THE worst thing I can do to cause myself pain, but that has been unavoidable a couple of times as I've had all of my staples out now and it took 2 visits to hospital to get them all out. The other things which cause pain are moving my legs up and down. i.e. getting in and out of bed and putting my legs up on a footstool. I've got to the point now where I can get in and out of bed on my own. This is quite a victory as up until a couple of days ago it was agony and James had to lift my legs up and down for me centimetres at a time.

Now the pain is slightly less I can sit down and get up mostly unaided too. Again, these are small victories. I move as slowly as an octogenarian riddled with arthritis but being able to sit down without feeling a searing, tearing pain is lovely. I have 2 pillows, 2 cushions and a V shaped cushion on the sofa which makes me quite comfortable, which is important as I'm sitting an awful lot. I still have some sores on my body (the biggest one being on my lower back, currently) from being so full of fluid for so long, but thankfully my hand has stopped swelling each morning. Every morning from Monday-Saturday I woke up with my right hand so swollen I could barely touch thumb to forefinger. It would take several hours to go down. I'm glad it's gone.

I feel quite emotional today. I'm worried about my support being withdrawn when I might need it most. I think people are going to get bored with me being needy and expect me to be over things before I am. Perhaps I've been spoilt so far with the outpouring of support and worry that when people have forgotten about all of this, that'll be when I need the support as my emotions are only just coming to the fore.

Although James saying he wants us to get married has cheered me up no end and given me something to plan for (which is a well-needed distraction) it's inevitable I'm going to feel sad sometimes. Today is one such day. I feel a bit weepy and hate feeling this way, especially when the excitement of getting married should have me feeling joyous.

My mum is coming to stay again tomorrow for the whole week, which is a massive weight off my mind as she not only feeds me, makes sure I take my tablets and fusses over me but doesn't need constant reminders to clean up after herself. James is doing the best he can, but it's tiring explaining common sense all the time. For example if he changes my dressing, the old one and the packaging for the new one need to go in the bin, not on the floor. He's doing his best and I know he's knackered out, but he doesn't think like a woman. He can't. My frustration isn't with him, it's with myself. I wish I didn't have to ask anyone to do things for me.

I'm actually looking forward to a time when I can go around the supermarket without injury. How sad is that?!

I know every day is going to be a roller coaster. I just hope I'm not riding it alone later on.

Here are some photos of my time in hospital:
My lumpy nose after passing out

Looking pale and awful

My first meal post-op. I was so happy I had to take a photo.

My poor tired, worried mum

By Saturday I was feeling a bit more like myself :)

My view from the bed

Flowers from my cousin

More flowers from my cousin

The view of the bed opposite

Some photos out of hospital:

Bruising on my tum after a week

Bruising on my boob. I think I hurt it in the fall.

Fat swollen 'frog's back' hand

Morning drug regime
Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

The full story of my operation and burst fallopian tube

I've known ever since the ectopic pregnancy happened and I almost died that I'd need to share all the details of the time I was in hospital for my own sanity, as as a sort of diary and to remind myself (if I ever need reminding!) that I'm so lucky to be alive.

13th January.

I'd only seen my midwife the day before, and I'd arranged to have a flu jab on the morning of the 13th. The doctors surgery was jam packed - the busiest I'd ever seen it - because as well as operating appointments, there was a 3 hour walk in flu jab service. While I was standing up waiting (there were no seats free) I felt a few twinges in my side which although worrying, went quickly enough for me to dismiss them. I had a full on day in town with friends involving lunch and about 3 hours trawling around the shops. I was extremely tired when I got in, but I decided to go to bed very late Wednesday night because I'd slept so poorly the couple of nights previously that I was determined to tire myself out so I'd sleep.

I was just about to turn in at around 2 am when I started getting hideous stabbing pains in my left side, where you'd presume your ovary and tube to be. Even worse, the pains were exactly the same and in exactly the same place as when I had a miscarriage in 2003. In retrospect, I think my miscarriage 7 years ago was an ectopic which reabsorbed in the tube, as I was in hospital for 3 days in absolute agony, but that's neither here or there at the moment.

I had a pretty good idea what was going on at this stage because of the pain being so reminiscent of my last 'miscarriage', so I began to sob and plead for everything to be OK. Once I'd composed myself, I went to bed but woke James up to tell him that if the pain hadn't gone in half an hour I'd call NHS Direct. I laid down and continued kneading the pain as it really was horrific.

I waited about 25 minutes in the end before I called NHS Direct. I told them I'd had a miscarriage before and the pain was exactly the same. They told me to call Seadoc, a local out of hours doctor service. They asked me to repeat everything I'd just said to NHS Direct then told me they'd get a doctor to call me. About half an hour later a doctor called me and told me to go to A&E. From start to finish it took about an hour.

It was getting on for about 3.30 am when we left for the hospital. James wasn't too keen on getting out of bed at first, grumbling that he had to be at work in "3 and a half hours" or something.

We got to A&E and as I rocked backwards and forwards in agony, some dude with schizophrenia in the waiting room (he told us his life story within 5 minutes) had the brass neck to scrounge money off me for a up of tea. Fucking hell! After about half an hour I was seen by a triage nurse and taken through to a bed in a ward. A nice young doc called Sarah came along, got me to wee in a bottle, put a cannula in to take 5 massive vials of blood and asked me a million questions. I laid there for about an hour on my own waiting for the results of the bloods (it always amazes me how quick things are at the hospital!) because I'd left James in the waiting room. A nurse went to get him and then I felt much better. Sarah had palpated my stomach really hard and given me some painkillers. I don't know which had worked, but my pain started to go off.

At about 6 or 7am (time lost all meaning) they decided to send me along to the maternity wing of the hospital for further checks. I was wheeled along in the bed through the corridors and then got out and was put into a little side waiting room while we waited to be dealt with. We sat there for what felt like FOREVER. There were other couples coming and going in the corridor where there was seating, including one bell end bloke who seemed to think he should be where we were and gave me evil looks the whole time he was opposite me. Up your bum, chum, there were only 3 seats and we were using 2 of them! The pain came back with a vengeance and I was given more pain relief. I was jamming my hand in my side and either rocking from side to side or backwards and forwards to try to ease the pain.

Bearing in mind I'd had NO sleep (and only about 4 hours the night before) time just lost all meaning. A minute might have felt like an hour or vice versa. At 9 am they came and told us they could scan me at 12. 3 more hours felt like a week at that point. James went to the shop and got us a drink and a bar of chocolate each at about 10.30 am. I only know these times because James told me later. The nurses had brought me some magazines so although I was a bit cheesed off I wasn't too bored.

The scan came and I knew what to expect as I had one in 2003. The lady had a light sabre type wand which goes where the sun doesn't shine. The scan HURT. When she was applying pressure to the left side of my vagina (the side the pain was) I came over hot and nauseous. She took a long time, a lot longer than the scan was in 2003, and as soon as she'd finished she told me there were possibly 2 things on my left side, and possibly a cyst on my right side. She said I could have ovulated twice, or there could be an ectopic pregnancy in there. By this time I was pretty much convinced I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Soon the pain was hot and radiating out all along my pubic bone and upwards towards my tummy.

I went back to the little waiting room and after an interminable wait I was put into a private room off the main corridor, put into hospital robes and given a load of observations. A series of people came in to see me - doctors, surgeons, a consultant, an anaesthetist and a shit load of nurses. I was told I was going to have an op for an ectopic pregnancy involving either a camera through my belly button, or possibly a bigger incision to have a better look because of my size.

Just after I heard I was DEFINITELY having an op I found out we could use our mobiles on the ward and I updated Facebook to say I was going down to theatre as soon as one was available for an op to remove an ectopic pregnancy. One of the theatre team had already been in to apologise for the wait as they'd had a couple of emergencies they were dealing with. I was trying to tell James how much I loved him and would've loved to have had his baby because I was worried about having the operation (and dying), but I was crying so hard I couldn't get the words out. I was also busy dictating a list of things James needed to bring to the hospital for the morning. Always organised! James had gone up a level to make some calls to my family as the signal was too poor to make a call where we were. When he came back I decided to go to the loo as the nurse had told me they like to have an empty bladder when they catheterise you for the operation.

As I got up off the bed there was a TERRIFIC pain in my side, even into my vagina, and I waddled off to the loo hunched over. As I started to sit down I started to feel VERY faint. I called for James who was only a couple of feet away anyway as he'd had to help me get onto the toilet and I told him to get someone QUICK! Off he ran and that's all I remember until...

The next thing I knew there were a load of muffled, anxious voices. I remember thinking "Why are they bothering me?! I'm comfortable and sleepy down here!" I started to come round as there were lots of voices calling my name and pressure on my head. James later told me there was a slim nurse squeezing what she could get of herself through the gap in the door as I'd conked out with my head behind the bathroom door, stopping everyone getting to me. I managed to move a bit and they'd started taking the door apart to get to me. As soon as I lifted my head I could see my blood pissing out of my face everywhere. A nurse grabbed a pillow, put it under my head and helped me lay back down as I felt SO sick and dizzy and my head was so heavy. I remember thinking "Don't do that, you'll only get blood all over it!" James told me later that while I was in and out of it the nurses were holding down hard on my nose and may have even slotted it back into place if it was out of joint. I don't remember everything, as so many things were happening all at once. 

My gown had come up as I fell and my arse and front lady bits were all on show. I remember saying "I've lost all my modesty!" and a nurse telling me they didn't care about such things on this ward. There were about 4 nurses in the small bathroom with me. I sensed the surgeon peering in from the side room and heard him say two words: "Theatre. NOW!!!"

As I managed to sit up a bit I saw James's panicked face. It'll haunt me until the day I die. Thinking about it makes me want to cry. There needed to be no words, in that millisecond I saw just how much he loves me and cares. The nurses helped me to stay sat up, then I used the disabled hand holds on the side of the toilet to pull myself to my knees as I was insistent no one tried to carry me as "I weigh a ton!" They'd pulled the bed up as close as they could to the bathroom door and I managed to get up and onto the bed. All kinds of things were put onto me for monitoring purposes, and I was wheeled down the corridor, in and out of consciousness, but long enough to see James's face one last time, looking like a terrified rabbit caught in the headlights.

There was a surreal scene as I was wheeled to theatre by two young tattooed guys who were asking me where I got the tattoo on my arm done. They peered over me as they wheeled me along, also making sure my nose was OK too as I was still bleeding. All I remember in theatre is the theatre staff sticking the chest pads on me and doing my catheter at the same time (that's what I call multitasking!) There was a real sense of urgency and the last thing I remember was them putting the mask on my face. James tells me they took me down to theatre at 2.30 pm.

I woke up in recovery at about 5.45 pm and croaked "I'm alive!" and asked the man who was standing faithfully by my bed for some water. My lips were all gummy and my eyes were all sticky from the tape they put on you. That water was like the best thing ever. I had half a plastic cup full and took a long time to drink it, it was divine. It felt like 5 minutes has passed but when I next looked at the clock it was 6.30.

I later found out that most likely when I got up to go to the loo my fallopian tube had ruptured. I'd lost 3 litres of blood and that there was blood all in my abdominal cavity and blood clots in my chest. They had to tilt the operating table to get the blood clots to come down off my chest.They stapled me up but there was so much blood coming out of my drains they had to open me up again and drain off about another litre of blood. (EDIT - I found out from a subsequent hospital gynae appointment with the same doc who advised the surgeon about my op that they opened me up again because the anaesthetist was convinced I was bleeding to death. I had 2 drain bags in and they filled up totally, so they opened me up to see if there was still a bleed. There wasn't, it was just from the sheer amount of blood I'd lost).

All in all, I am VERY lucky to come out of this alive. If I hadn't already been in hospital when my fallopian tube burst, I probably would've died of acute blood loss before I even got to the hospital.

Although at a later date I'm bound to grieve for the loss of the baby, right now I just feel so blessed to be alive, and now James has decided he wants to make an honest woman of me, there's even more joy afoot. This has definitely made us closer. James admits he never realised how much he loved me until he nearly lost me.

I'll tell you about the rest of my hospital stay and the WONDERFUL care I received there in my next blog.

Monday, 17 January 2011

The dream is over.

For any of you not aware, I lost my baby and almost lost my life on Thursday. I'm not going to go into a blow by blow account in this blog, but I will at a later date.

Long story short, I had an ectopic pregnancy. The hospital had already decided to admit me and operate (after about 12 hours of waiting around) when my fallopian tube burst and I was rushed into emergency surgery. I lost 3 litres of blood and came so close to death.

It's 4am and I've had maybe half an hours sleep. Trying to maintain comfort when your abdominal wall has been sliced through is a joke. Trying to sit up in bed, I resemble a dying fish in a bucket, flailing this way and that trying - and failing - to find a way of sitting up where it feels like my innards are NOT being scooped out with a meat hook. I have to sit bolt upright in bed or else my throat - red raw from being intubated - gives me hell and I cough endlessly, hurting my poor tummy even more. I'm currently sliding down the bed, making staying upright a battle of head and neck muscles digging into metal bedframe to try to keep me up, a stupid task but as attempting to sit up straighter or reach for something leaves me utterly spent for ages, you can see why I keep up this ridiculous pantomime. I begin to slide down the bed after approximately 10 minutes in bed and only have the strength to try to sit up about once an hour, so for the majority of the time I'm in DEEP discomfort.

My skin is so stretched full of fluid that tears and weals are appearing which leak fluid. I have them all over my back and on my bum.

I'm so fucking hot all the time. This ward is hotter than Hades. I can't even wash downstairs myself as I'm sewn up so tight I feel like I'm 3 inches shorter & my arms no longer reach. I had to get my mum to wash my bits and bobs this morning.

All in all I'm THOROUGHLY fucking miserable and can't wait to feel better. I'm sure once I feel less like microwaved death I'll start to mourn the loss of baby.

J is distraught at nearly losing me, as are all my family. I heard my dad was going to give up smoking so I could spend more pregnant time with him. It's little things like that which remind me we've ALL lost something wonderful.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

12/01/11 365 Post

 Hiya :)

I'm going to cheat and post two photos today as I just can't choose. 

It was really foggy today, so here's a photo of the fog near (ish) the sea front:

And here's a pic of my friend's adorable son. Isn't he a cutie?! Me and 3 other girlies had lunch today.

My video today is by Chris Daughtry (from American Idol a few years ago) and is an acoustic version of Lady Gaga's Poker Face. 

I prefer this version to the original. I love his voice and can recommend Daughtry as a good rock band......and I bloody wish everywhere would stop playing the Ronan Keating version of Home, as the Daughtry version is the original and the best! (In my humble opinion).

Thanks for being here. 

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

11/01/11 365 Post


This is my photo of the day.

I hope it makes you laugh as much as it does me!

I can't help but giggle when I look at it :) I had my teeth air-blasted and cleaned today so they look the best they have in years, probably ever. I will be smiling widely LOTS to show them off! 

I look like a crazy lady! :)

Today's video is by 3 Doors Down and is called Here Without You. 3 Doors Down are another new favourite of mine, although they've been going at least 10 years. It's a nice soppy song. I love soppy songs!

What's your favorite 'miss you' type of song?

Monday, 10 January 2011

10/01/11 365 Post


Today's photo of the day isn't actually one of mine, but it will be one I'll be looking at a lot!

This is my number one crush Jason Momoa, in his role as Conan The Barbarian. I can't wait to see this film!
Thanks to Lisa for the pic.


The video for the day is by Escape The Fate and is called 10 Miles Wide. There's a guest appearance from Joshua Todd from Buckcherry too. I love this song as it's upbeat and has a bit of eye candy in it for the ladies and the gents ;)

What's your favourite music collaboration?

Sunday, 9 January 2011

09/01/11 365 Post

 Hi all!

As promised, my photo today is of the other Twist N Lock item we have in the bathroom. 

This one was about £7.99 and has been up for a few months. As you can see there's not much in it at the moment. 

I had a thought about placement of these twist lock things on the wall. With the other one we've got for the shower, we've placed it on the same wall as the shower itself, so it isn't on a wall with water coursing down it. It just gets splashes. I think if you put one in the shower where it's going to get soaked it might possibly come down, I don't know. So I'd say to anyone thinking about getting one, just think about where you're putting it. I guess if it's put somewhere where it is going to get a soaking every day, it might go rusty too.

Today's video is by Florence and The Machine and is called You've Got The Love. I like this remake a lot more than the original and it's a really uplifting song. 

What's your favourite cover?

08/01/11 365 Post

Hi :)

Since I got my hair cut today this is my pic of the day:

Tomorrow I will take a photo of my other Twist N Lock caddy thingummybob. 

My video of the day is anything to get yesterday's song out of my head!! I've been singing it constantly since!

It's by Jane Siberry and called 'It Can't Rain All The Time' and was in The Crow, which is one of my favourite films. I tell myself it can't rain all the time when I'm feeling low. 

RIP Brandon Lee, beautiful boy.

I just love it when watching a film introduces you to a cool song, don't you?

Friday, 7 January 2011

07/01/11 365 Post


The photo of the day is our new suction cup bathroom tidy. Prior to finding this range of suction products, I'd never had anything in this vein that actually worked. It's a screw-tight suction rather than those useless suckers which never work. 

Today's video clip is by Shinedown and is called Devour. I like it because it's a nice catchy song. I'd never seen this video before today, but I love the song. I'm sure I'll be posting a few more Shinedown songs over the year, as they've made loads of great songs. 

I had to look up the film featured in the video. It's Shoot 'em Up (2007). I love the look on Clive Owen's face as he's shooting everyone. I don't know if this is the official video for the song, but it seems a good fit.

Thanks for looking. 

Thursday, 6 January 2011

06/01/11 365 post - pregnancy test


The photo of the day is a pregnancy test I did today where the pink line is nice and strong. All the other tests had a faint line, but this one has a nice strong line. 

The video for today is Leona Lewis' I See You, the Avatar theme. I'm not a massive fan of the song (although I do love a few of her other songs) but the video is absolutely gorgeous. Avatar is the most visually stunning film I've ever seen. I said to James recently if cinemas were to show it for a couple of weeks every year, I would go to see it every year without fail. Love, love, love it.

What's your opinion on Avatar?

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Finally... some of my Christmas presents

Hi all :) 

There's been a lot going on since I found out I'm with child, but I've finally got around to posting some pics of my Christmas presents. So here we go: 

Hat and Scarf from the Mr
Hat and hand warmers from lovely Sarah
Smellies from Lisa & Darren, soap and lovely choc lip balm from Sarah
Scarf from my brother's girlfriend - it's about 10 feet long
Cool trinket box/incense thing from my mum & stepdad
Maltesers from Mum & gingerbread hearts from Pete & Marina
Benefit glosses from the Mr's parents, Soap & Glory stuff from Jenni, Hello Kitty from the Mr
Various smellies from my aunt Ann
From the Mr

NYX set from the Mr
Bottom layer of NYX set
From Ann
From another aunt
From Ann
 I also got some money and vouchers. It was a good Christmas!
What did you get?

Thanks for reading. 

05/01/11 365 posts

Hiya :)

My picture of today is of North Lodge in St Leonards on Sea, where Henry Rider Haggard lived for a time.

My video for today is by Bring Me The Horizon and called It Never Ends. I love my heavy music. 

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

04/01/11. Todays' 365 pic and video

Today I was given my first midwife appointment:

My music clip for 04/01/11 is:

The Wanted, All Time Low
I love The Wanted, I think they're a great boy band and their voices go really well together. I've seen them interviewed and they seem really down to earth. Also, there is some serious eye candy in the form of Siva.

Oh yes.

Here's the video. 

Monday, 3 January 2011

Squee! Soap & Glory Fantastic Value Bundle at Boots


Oh yes S&G you are tooo good to us!

On Boots at the moment you can get an awesome £80.98 worth of goodies for the bargainalicious price of £29.99!

Do I need this? No!
Can I resist? No!

Get yourselves over here to grab your Soap and Glory Fantastic Value Bundle

You get:
  • Soap & Glory Marvelips Lip Supersizing Crayon, 4.53g
  • Soap & Glory Clean Mary Cleansing Milk, 180ml
  • Soap & Glory Wash Almighty Body Cleansing Gel, 500ml
  • Soap & Glory Sexy Mother Pucker Lip Plumping Gloss, 7ml
  • Soap & Glory Slimwear Slenderizing Body Balm, 190ml
  • Soap & Glory Return to Slender Body Contouring Gel, 200ml
  • Soap & Glory Touch & Glow Daily Radiance Moisture Lotion, 75ml
  • Soap & Glory Eye Lift Maintenance Moisturising Gel, 15ml
  • Soap & Glory Mighty Mouth Lipcare & Plumping Kit, 9ml + 2 x 4g
  • Soap & Glory Wizard of Flaws Amazing Line Filling Luminizer and Concealer, 1ml 
After me: SQUEEEEEE!

Have you got any of these products already? I've got Clean Mary (not yet tried) and Sexy Mother Pucker (love it) so there'll be 8 new things to me. I have £25 of Boots vouchers so this kit shall be mine. I wonder if it comes in a box or loose? It doesn't say on Boots. I'd guess not, as there's no packaging shown on A lot of this is discontinued stock but me no care. S&G are doing their best to make me poor!

UPDATE: The parcel came today. It didn't come in Soap and Glory packaging, just a white cardboard box. Well done Boots for a very quick delivery!

Thanks for reading.