Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Sleek Oh So Special palette swatches


Any long-term readers will know I have a bit of a Sleek addiction.

Their eyeshadow palettes have near Urban Decay pigment (aside from the odd shade) and are ridiculously cheap at £6.49 for 12 shadows (EDIT - as of 2012 they're £7.99.)

Many of the palettes are limited edition, which makes them even more enticing. You can read about my other Sleek palettes here and here. 

This is the 'Oh So Special' palette. All pictures are clickable for bigger images.

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Stand out shades for me are Glitz - a gorgeous gunmetal-ish blue and Gateau - a rich pinky gold - which have to be seen to be believed. I always prefer the shimmer shades to the matte shades, but that's the case with all my make up.

You can buy this palette from Sleek, selected Superdrug stores and Superdrug online.

Have you tried a Sleek palette yet? Tempted?

Thanks for reading.

About grieving for celebrities...

...and 'ordinary' people too.

The death of Amy Winehouse has made me do some thinking about the loss of talent and why in particular it upsets me.

I don't even have to be a huge fan of a person to be sad when they die, but that does make it worse. It makes me REALLY sad when someone dies in their supposed prime - although Amy was arguably not in her prime and hadn't been for some years - as it's such a waste. Sometimes the person may be famous, sometimes not, but I have compassion for them all.

The first person I remember grieving over was Freddie Mercury. It was 1991 and I was 17 (yes, I am really that old!) and I was a big fan of Queen. I remember keeping all the newspapers from the time after his death - they're still at my mum's somewhere.

Of course, many would argue that Freddie's death was his own fault, but all those years ago HIV and AIDS were quite new. HIV was only identified in 1983 and Freddie Mercury was allegedly diagnosed with full-blown AIDS in 1987. Everyone was shagging everyone willy-nilly (excuse the pun!) sans condoms in those days as no one knew about AIDS

Freddie wasn't open about his illness and that meant his death was a bit of a surprise (to me at least, even though he'd been looking rather 'peaky' before he died), and I think shock is a major part of celebrity grieving. At least he'd lived a fairly long life before he died, unlike many of the other people I'll mention.

Another person I grieved for was Andrew Wood from Mother Love Bone. I'd never heard a word of their music at the time I read about his death in an American rock magazine (it was about a year after his death as it was hard to get hold of issues in this country) and the article was so poignant, it made me cry for 3 days. He'd been clean of drugs for months when he had a hit, but old habits die hard (literally in this case) when he used the same amount as before and in his now clean state, didn't have the same tolerance. He had a brain aneurism and had to have his life support machine switched off. I read how his girlfriend cut his lovely long hair off (a bit odd, but grief is an odd thing sometimes) then held him tight until his heart stopped beating. I was so affected that afterwards I became a fan of the music. 

Next up was Kurt Cobain. I was mad about grunge music. I liked Nirvana and loved Pearl Jam (still do) and lived in lumberjack shirts (now just called checked shirts) at the time.

I think the circumstances surrounding Kurt's death were so odd (and remain so) it's hard to reconcile. The whole different handwriting in the latter half of his 'suicide' note and Courtney Love being as mad as a box of LSD-infested frogs will always make me wonder if she didn't just 'off' him herself.

I've lost count of all the various people I've grieved over, but the death of  Princess Diana is one of those defining moments where you remember exactly where you were and who you were with, as was 9/11, or our own 7/7 or the latest moment of horror in Norway. Moments like those are so shocking you'd have to have a heart of stone not to be affected.

Of course, grieving for celebrities is nowhere near as devastating or as long lasting as grieving for a family member, as I found the year after Princess Diana died, when my nan lost her fight to cancer. I'd known she was going to die for 18 months. I was the first person she told and I was tasked with telling my mum the grim news. Having any amount of time to think about the impending death of someone should help, but it doesn't, believe me. The loss is still like a kick in the guts when it happens, and even now, over a decade later I can barely think about it without crying.

The mists of time (and too much alcohol) have robbed my memory of some of the people I've grieved over, but I remember the guy I used to work with who fell forever asleep in a nightclub on New Years Eve in his early 20s. He'd had a heart defect no one knew about. RIP Mark. I cancelled a trip to see my family, went home and clambered into bed fully clothed to sob under the duvet when I heard.

Whilst working for the same company, there was a guy who died in a fire in company property. Someone had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in hand, there was a massive house fire and he was one of a few people who died. I hated the bloke because he hated me, but still grieved for him, as it was a terrible way to go and he was a young man. 

More recently, the death of Heath Ledger was upsetting. It's always somehow worse when a death is an accident, when it's through someone's own stupidity or lack of care, as I think 'Someone could've saved them.' 

I think that is the real reason I get so sad when people who are flawed and fragile die, because it's such a terrible, terrible waste. Aren't we all flawed and fragile somehow? Would we like to be pigeon-holed and written off after our death because of the manner of our passing? I think not. 

Seeing Heath in The Dark Knight was ever so poignant, as it was the performance of his life in my opinion and knowing he was no longer of this earth made it hard to watch, yet so mesmerising. He may never have bettered those celluloid moments, but we can only but wonder what he may have achieved, as with all the lives famous or not that have ceased to be.

And that brings us back to Amy. 

She was undoubtedly flawed, a bird with a broken wing. So often genius is linked to frailty - it's almost as if some people are weighed down by the curse of their own brilliance and are not destined long for this earth. I'm not going to romanticise her drink and drug abuse - it isn't poetic and it isn't cool. For a soul to need to anaesthetise themselves every day to be able to exist isn't a thing of wonderment, it's a crying f*cking shame. 

Russell Brand put it best, when in his tribute to Amy he said: 'Not all addicts have Amy’s incredible talent. Or Kurt’s or Jimi’s or Janis’s, some people just get the affliction. All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care.'

This is why I grieve for Amy....because she was afflicted, because despite the amount of people who loved, liked and respected her, she was unwilling or unable to take the help offered to her. I wish I could've given Amy a bloody great big cuddle, but it wouldn't have done any good. She was lost to everyone, and the only person who could've saved Amy was Amy.

My friend Sarah put it brilliantly when she said 'People don't seem to realise sometimes that making bad choices doesn't make you a bad person.' 

The sad thing is for a lot of people, Amy will be remembered for her excesses and not her talent, and again, that makes me sad.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

A cheer up gift and an engagement ring


I was talking to my good friend Jayne on Facebook chat recently and I was really down at the time. She told me to expect something in the post and a little parcel arrived a couple of days later.


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All smudged after application
This quad is a cream to powder eye shadow which feels really nice when applied as it's kinda cold. I used it over an e.l.f. shimmer stick as a base and it made blending a little hard, as the shadow kinda balled up. I'll try it without the shimmer stick base next time. The colours are really nice and flattering without being too in your face.

Jayne bought it from Kiss N Makeup on Facebook, who constantly add a wide variety of make up and beauty essentials at a really good price. I know this because I've ordered from them myself. They also have an eBay shop


I now have an engagement ring :)

You can just see my latest mani in shot too :)

Very pretty, isn't it? I love it!

Because we're skint it's a cheapo one made from silver and cubic zirconia. When we are better off there'll be a better ring, a pink sapphire and diamond ring on white gold I've already chosen. It's actually a shade too big, so I need one of those snuggies for rings you can get as it keeps slipping off my finger.

Thanks for reading!

A bad news weekend - Anders Breivik and Amy Winehouse


What a weekend for shitty news. 

I've been off-radar for much of the weekend in the countryside and heard someone mention that Amy Winehouse was dead. I thought they were joking, so when we'd packed the car up to come home, I switched my phone back on (it was on the dregs of its battery, so it'd been off most of the time) and checked Google. I knew it was true as soon as I typed in 'Amy Winehouse' and the first two results as the search auto-populated were 'Amy Winehouse dies' and 'Amy Winehouse dead.'

I first heard Amy sing on Jools Holland (or some other similar late night music show) years ago. She was fuller figured then - before the drugs - healthy and wholesome looking. She was wearing a red dress and her voice really made an impression. I tucked her away in my mind as 'one to look out for in the future'.

When she became widely famous some months afterwards, I was shocked to see a pretty, healthy looking girl turn into a skeleton. I think most people might recall the photo of her stumbling round Camden in her blood stained ballet pumps (allegedly from injecting drugs between her toes), looking as grey as a tramp's underwear and in need of a bloody good wash.

Amy's music career almost became forgotten about in the public eye as she became a caricature of herself. Her hair was enormous, her eyeliner so long it was halfway to her temples, her stomach bloated like that of a famine victim. She was almost always in the news, even when she spent months abroad in 2009, and rarely for a good reason, either. Her love life was a source of constant tabloid fodder as she dated then married her Blake, who looked in need of a bloody good scrub himself.

Her battles with drink and drugs defined her, and when the autopsy is done, we'll find out if they killed her - but I think we all know ultimately they did. 

I'm going to talk about what happened in Norway in a moment, and some might say it's wrong for me to focus on Amy Winehouse when so many young people were killed this weekend. I feel anger, revulsion and disgust about the situation in Norway, as well as sadness, but what I feel about the death of Amy is pure sadness because it should have been so preventable. Whenever someone talented throws their life away and dies so young it really upsets me because it's such a waste. None of us on the outside can know what demons Amy faced, but they ultimately won, and I find that heartbreaking, even more so as everybody with a brain saw it coming. 

No one expected her to live long enough to become old. She was an accident waiting to happen, and if we as outsiders could see that, what on earth was it like for her family? Were they there for her as much as they should've been? Would she have been protected from herself if she was sectioned for her own good? Did she ever listen to her parents? Did she genuinely have a death wish? No one knows, but I'm sure details will emerge to paint a picture of her state of mind before her death. What's almost certain is Amy needed drink and drugs more than she needed to live. It's such a crying shame because I think she needed a bloody good hug, some tough love and the right people around her, but if no one could reach her...she was beyond any help. I'm as guilty as anyone, because outside of what's written in the press, I have no idea what Amy was like as a person. The sick jokes which doing the rounds as soon as she died are about as funny as AIDS. She might have been famous but she was still a person, and no amount of money, drink and drugs should make us forget that. As such, she deserves kind words now she's passed.

On the way back home from our trip into the countryside we stopped to get the papers, which is when I saw what went on in Norway. It's hard to comprehend what goes on in the mind of someone who goes on to shoot dead almost a hundred teenagers. To callously cut short the lives of so many children before they got to make their mark on the world is an outrage. I'm glad the bastard didn't shoot himself like a snivelling coward, but I understand Norway has a ludicrously lenient legal system (even compared to our Mickey Mouse excuse for a legal system) so it'll be interesting to see how many years Breivik gets. Setting off a bomb was the work of a coolly calculating man, but cutting off the lives of dozens of children is evil incarnate. It might be controversial, but I think for crimes like this the death penalty is the only fair punishment. 

I'm sure more will come out in the next few days about what drove Breivik to kill so many people, and if whether or not he will be found to be sane. I think because there are so many grieving relatives they should be allowed to vote on his method of punishment, going with the majority rule.

What a terrible weekend.

Thanks for reading.

Friday, 22 July 2011

Some of my favourite jewellery

I thought I'd do some posts of my favourite jewellery.

This is one post of many - fave necklaces (acrylic).

The top necklace is from Lipstattoo Designs and the bottom one is from Punky Pins

These two necklaces are from Simply Charmed Jewellery

What pieces of jewellery do you love?
I also have some other favourite necklaces to show another time.

Thanks for reading. 

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Why 'boom and bust' is bad and The Spoon Theory


On Monday I had a very busy day.

J had the day off work as we had to take the car for its service and MOT (bye bye £500). The garage is over 3 miles away from us and we walked back home after we dropped the car off. Because of my illness walking this far is very detrimental to my health. For reasons yet to be discovered, when I walk more than a couple of miles in a day, I get excruciating pain in the backs and insides of my legs. It starts off as a twinge and progresses quickly to a state where I can barely lift my legs off the floor without wincing in pain. It effects the muscles which contract to lift your leg when you walk, so much so that to attempt to use them at all (even by lifting a leg by half an inch) is agony. I don't know what muscles they are, all I know is it brings tears to my eyes! This was the first real indicator that something wasn't right when I first became ill and it has never gone away.

Usually it affects one leg at a time but it affected both legs on Monday. By the time we got in I was in a bad way. I went to lay down and fell asleep for about 2 hours. I got up, had some lunch and then had to go to the dentist. We got a cab there and walked back, as it's almost all downhill going back. It was a very slow and painful walk. All in all I walked about 4.5 miles on Monday, way more than I should have walked.

Tuesday I woke up and was moving like an old person for quite some time. When I first got up I was hunched over as it was too painful to straighten up. Everything from the bones in my feet to my back, shoulders and arms was stiff and painful but did go off a bit as the day went on, although my feet still feel like they've been battered with hammers. My legs still hurt when I walk, too.

Today I woke up after about 9 hours sleep (a rare thing indeed!) feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. I have absolutely NO compunction to do anything at all past the necessities of living such as cleaning my teeth, eating and drinking. I'm not even dressed (my fleece dressing gown rocks). I feel like crap and if J comes home and enquires as to whether I've had a productive day I might just rip him a new one ;)

This is why boom and bust is so harmful and gentle exercise daily is key. 

I will be paying for Monday's efforts for the rest of the week and will need extra sleep and lots of rest for me to recover enough to feel able to do 'normal person things' like housework and cooking. If I were to have another crazy exercise day today, it would probably take 2 weeks to recover from this bad spell, instead of the one week of recovery I will need now. When I moved house the time before last, I did barely any carrying and lifting as thankfully we had a lot of help, but what I did do left me so exhausted I spent most of my time laying on the settee sleeping. I was unable to do the merest thing for over 3 weeks because I was hardly ever awake.

It's hard for someone without a fatigue based illness to understand the level of rest I need to be able to function. A walk to the post office and back is about the right amount of exercise. It's a 40 minute round trip which involves hills and dips and covers about 1.5 miles. That is roughly the amount of daily effort I can manage, on top of a bit of light housework and nothing else. I rarely go out into the main town in the day time or evening, maybe once a month if I'm lucky, as it's 2.5 miles away. By the time I get into town my legs will likely have left me in agony, which isn't conducive to strolling round town for hours with my friends who want to look in loads of different shops.

When I was working at my last full time job, it was 1.5 miles to work from the train station each way. Sometimes I walked all the way there, which was 3.6 miles, so with the walk back to the train station, that would have been 5.1 miles walked in a day, but most times I walked 3 miles a day. Then I had a busy 9 hour working day, a good 80% of which was spent on my feet, before going home, cooking and doing the housework. I also had a full and varied social life, going out 2 or 3 times a week and going for long walks on the weekends.

Just thinking about doing that much stuff now makes me want to cry.

My last job was a part time job which I was 'let go' from because of my sickness record. I had a 1.3  mile walk each way, and that in itself was too tiring for me, without having to do the job too. I was constantly getting injured as it was too much for my body. 

When I'm physically tired I fall a lot as I lose all coordination (especially on stairs), and I'm very prone to sprains, strains and other muscular injuries. Because I fell down a concrete flight of stairs as a small child and got run over by a Ford Transit van when I was a teenager, it's a rare time when I'm not fighting a back injury. When I was in my 20s a work accident involving a bolt going through my knee has shortened one leg considerably, which causes further strain on my back, as I'm unbalanced.

Now, I have to fight my battles wisely. Life is a series of decisions. I simply can't do everything I want to do. I have to treat myself like fine china. I live by the Spoon Theory.

Please read the link below if you know someone with a fatigue-based illness as it will make things easier on you and them. It might make you understand why your friends/family can't do as much as you'd like them to - you'll probably find THEY can't do as much as they'd like to!

I must say, I still love life although my ability to participate in it has been reduced dramatically. I describe it as once having a 'normal' life like full sugar Coca Cola, and now I'm having a mini life, like Diet Coke - it might look similar but it sure isn't the same! Hehehe - at least my sense of humour is still strong! (It's about the only bit of me that is!) 

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Things I'm loving at the moment

 Things I'm loving at the moment:

  • Plum eye shadow - since I figured out it brings out the hazel in my eyes I'm all over it.
  • Chunky acrylic necklaces (I've recently bought two - pics coming!)
  • My new Yours biker jeggings. I like them so much I bought a second pair (pics coming tomorrow!)
  • Packing for our trip next month.
  • Looking at jewellery supplies - I'm looking into branching out.
  • My boyfriend extra extra extra oodles for being so lovely while I'm so down
  • FINALLY having Sarcoidosis ruled out as the cause of my illness, so the specialist can concentrate on the Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome diagnosis.

Things I'm not loving so much

  • The new Facebook chat. Grrr! Nuff said.
  • Trying not to eat rubbish (I'm succeeding at abstaining, but the temptation is strong).
  • Aching like a bitch from walking over 4 miles yesterday

How's your week going so far?

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Whatever you've got, love it! A post about confidence.


Further to my recent post about someone seeming surprised that me, a mere plus size girl could have a gorgeous boyfriend, I thought I'd do a post about confidence.

When J and I met, we were in a famous London rock bar full of gorgeous skinny minnies, but it was me who drew his gaze because I was smiling lots and throwing my head back with laughter having a bloody ball. 

I used to have a BIG problem having a good time. To put it bluntly, I had a rod up my arse! I used to think people would stare or say something if I did the things I wanted to do. My nan died in 1998 and I had somewhat of an epiphany. I realised life is too short to worry about what other people think about you.

I've since realised that not doing something because you worry what people think and feeling sucky about it is a LOT worse than just going for it. People are so drawn to confidence, even more so than looks I'd say (although looks help!)

With regards to body image, we ALL have bits of us we don't like. For us larger ladies, we might have more worries than other girls, as we have size to deal with, as well as shape. All we have to do is concentrate on our good bits. Men tend to see the big picture (pardon the pun!), tending to not focus on the things we might. Hate your tum? (I hate mine at times) but have great teeth? Grin like a Cheshire cat! I take great pride in my hair and get a Toni N Guy hairdresser to attend to my locks. Great tits? Work it, as Gok would say! Got gorgeous creamy skin? Look after it. Got beautiful eyes? Show them off. Maximise all your good bits, and don't fret over your perceived 'bad' bits. And remember, just because we might not like something about ourselves, it doesn't mean others think the same. You might hate your dimply knees but a guy might think they're the cutest thing he's ever seen. Whatever it takes for you to feel the best YOU you can, do it. 

If you've totally lost sight of your good bits, ask your good friends what they think your best qualities are. You might be pleasantly surprised! (If you're not, you might need new friends!)

I feel my best when my hair is clean and shiny, I've got my favourite perfume on, my nails and make up are looking great and I have an outfit on which looks good and is comfortable. Then I'm ready to go out and have fun. I might have the fattest arse on anyone wherever I'm going, but I'm the best me I can be at that moment, so I'm happy.

Also take pride in your non-physical attributes. I swear some physically-gifted people never have to cultivate a personality. I know I'm funny, witty and intelligent. Why wouldn't someone want to hang out with me? Why wouldn't a gorgeous guy want to be with me?! Most guys would rather have a happy plus diva on his arm than a sour-faced, miserable cow. And that whole not eating thing on dates?! Guys HATE that! They want a girl with a big appetite for all kinds of things in life, if you catch my drift ;) 

And on those inevitable hormonal days when I feel horrible, I look at pictures of other plus sized ladies and remind myself how beautiful we are!

 Go and make friends with that mirror NOW!

What makes you feel your best?

*This is by no means a skinny-bashing post. It's OK to be whatever you are. Difference is beautiful!

Thanks for reading.

Monday, 11 July 2011

The kettle incident - graphic photos


Many of you who are here because you know me from Facebook and Twitter will know about last Monday's kettle incident, because for a few days I went onnnnnn about it.

For those of you immune to my FB & Twitter spoutings, I dropped a kettle of boiling water a week ago today and ended up cooking the area the size of a boot print on my stomach. Instead of realising the bloody bottom of a kettle is weighted to keep it upright and leaving well alone, I knocked it flying in my panic, then instead of rushing away from the boiling water cascading towards me, I headed towards it to clean it up. Still, they wouldn't call them accidents if they weren't stupid.

(For those of you wondering how the hell it happened, combine muscle fatigue after a long hot walk in the sun with general exhaustion from my illness and add a dash of lifelong clumsy).

Here's what it looked like last week:

Here's what it looks like today:

This is the worst bit now

This bit is almost entirely healed over now

I think I'll get some Bio oil because if the more healed part is an indication, it looks like it'll scar, and I've heard Bio Oil works wonders on scars.

I now approach the kettle with extreme caution and will be a lot more careful with household implements when I'm exhausted. It's so easy to hurt yourself when your mind and body don't work as they should.

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

OOTN - What I wore last night


We went out last night to see our friends in local band Soul Sanctuary play. They're a rock/metal band so I wanted a rock/metal look, and it just happened I'd bought a couple of 'alternative' looking bits from Yours Clothing with the Bulldog Bash in mind which came on Saturday morning. Perfect timing!

Yours have a sale on at the minute so I got the jeggings and top for a combined sum of £17. 

Being a bit obsessive, it pees me off my tattoo name necklace is off centre ;)

This is me at the train station re-doing my makeup. Side note - HAYFEVER SUCKS!

 Necklace: Punkypins
Top - Yours
Jeggings - Yours
Bag - Hell Bunny (just seen)

Me and my friend Rach

This is me back at home in the very messy living room

Here is a shot of my nails, which I did using nails inc Dean Street polish (I used to go to a brilliant sleaze rock club just off Soho's Dean Street - useless factette for you there!) which is a gorgeous cherry red, Barry M Nail Effects shatter polish in black, and Seche Vite glossy top coat.

Crappy quality phone pic

We've had a really good weekend. We went to Rye today for fish and chips to try to kill of the hangover.

How was your weekend?

Here's a couple of videos from Soul Sanctuary in case you're interested:

6 months on....


The last few nights as I've laid awake in bed waiting for sleep, I've been thinking how it's almost 6 months since...well, what do you call it? If I say 'since my operation' it sounds quite clinical. If I say 'since the day I nearly died' or ' the day my baby died' it sounds really dramatic.

I realised a few nights ago that it still hasn't really sunk in what happened, how close I was to death. When I say the words which describe what happened, they're just words, somehow disassociated with the events. I was thinking to myself 'You had to have a blood transfusion. You were on oxygen for 2 days solid. You lost litres of blood. You NEARLY DIED.'

I suppose I'm still in shock. None of it feels like it happened to me. When I find myself telling people about it, I must sound terribly flippant, almost as if I'm talking about it happening to someone else. I say it so matter-of -factly with no trace of emotion it must be almost as if I'm talking about having a manky toenail removed or some other minor medical procedure.

I don't know why this is. Maybe it's a coping mechanism.
I'd better get over it, because in a matter of weeks my due date will be upon us. J has got a lovely way of seeing things. When I suggested doing something on the day we were due to be parents to take away the misery of the day he said 'It's OK. We can make a new one!' Hahaha. Love that man.

There I must end, as a trip to Asda beckons. Ooh, what excitement!

Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Shitting It - life stuff


I usually compartmentalise my life, and thus my blogs. 

I have this blog, a blog for our business and a blog about the quest to be a mum. I've shared some stuff in the latter blog about some things that've been going on lately with my menstrual cycle, as in a way it's related to trying to get pregnant. I *would* continue posting there but when something becomes more of a worry than a side issue it affects my every day life, and that is dealt with in this blog. 

I keep getting old blood, or bloody mucus, when I wipe after a pee. I'd say out of the last 2 months, there have probably only been about 2 weeks when there wasn't some kind of grisly discharge. On top of this, my upper abdomen is rock hard and swollen (may be related to IBS), and my menstrual cycle has been crazily out of whack, but that could be put down to my ectopic pregnancy (which was 6 months ago next week). I also have a lot of pelvic pain, which may or may not be related to my operation.

2 weeks ago at the docs I had a load of blood tests taken including a pregnancy test and vaginal swabs done (to see if the bleeding is being caused by an infection).

I went back to the doctors today as I was nagged into it after scalding myself really badly when I dropped the kettle on Monday night (It's a long story, I'll do a blog about it later). Everything came back clear from the blood tests and swabs, so there is no obvious reason for this almost constant loss of blood. I don't have any infection and I'm not with child (it was good to have that clarified as I look it!)

My doctor says she doesn't like the sound of things at all and is going to write to the gynae ward at the local hospital so I can be further investigated. She was very worried and now I'm absolutely shitting it. My last smear test was clear, but I have a lot of the symptoms of cervical cancer (bleeding between periods, discharge, pain during sex, pain in my pelvis). It could also be something that went wrong in my surgery to remove the ectopic which is causing me to bleed. Until they have a good root around in my lady canyon, it's anyone's guess what the cause is.

I'm trying not to think the worst, but I am scared petrified. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

I hope the appointment comes really quick.

The first person to tell me to calm down gets a slap upside the head. I'm not a weeping wailing hysteric, I'm in a state of high anxiety, and will be until the big C is ruled out.

EDIT - It is ovarian cysts. 

Thanks for reading.

Monday, 4 July 2011

It was just a look


Something happened the other day and I'm not too sure how to take it.

Someone on the periphery of my social circle met J for the first time recently and I noticed an almost imperceptible double take as she looked at him, looked at me then looked at him again.

Yes, my boyfriend is all kinds of hot, although I am obviously biased. He's got gorgeous long, thick hair, dreamy green eyes and an arse you just want to sink your teeth into (indeed, last night I did!)

And he's with me, an overweight (but pretty) girl.

That's what that little double take said. To guess a phrase to go with that look, it would've been something like 'How did SHE end up with HIM?'

J has a nice way of seeing things. When the boot is on the other foot and he knows someone finds me attractive, rather than getting jealous he says it makes him feel good as he's 'got' me and they haven't. He might hold me a bit closer to ram the point home to his 'adversary' but that's as far as it would go. To be fair, men are completely obvious if they fancy a girl, whereas when a girl fancies a guy....well, it's a lot more crafty.

A case in point: I have a friendship with a particular girl because initially she decided she was going to 'screw' (her words) J when she saw us out in a pub, and talked to me as her 'way in'. She doesn't know I know this (I found this out much later on) but she never got her wish. See, girls are bloody sneaky

Overall there may have been more men over time who made it obvious they fancy me, but if anyone fancies J they're generally going to be in stealth mode, and I have my radar on, bitches!

I think I'm lucky to be with J, and he thinks he's lucky to be with me, and as long as it stays like that, I think we'll be just fine ;)

I'll be keeping a close eye on Miss Double-take though!

How do you handle it when you can tell someone fancies your partner?
Have you ever felt 'unworthy' of them, or been made to feel that way by a third party?
If so, how do you handle that?

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, 3 July 2011

A lovely day in the sunshine


Today the Mr-to-be and I went to the beach for a while.

Click on all pics to see bigger images (should you desire.)

While we were there I found loads of bits that had been washed up - driftwood, shells, charcoal, pieces of crab, pieces of leather (bizarrely), feathers and all sorts. I like arranging the bits and taking photos of them.

We left after about half an hour as it was so windy. 

We drove a bit further then had a walk through a farmer's field (all legit - there was a footpath and stile).

In the field next door were a lot of sheep. One of them took an interest in me, as you'll see :) 

Uh-oh. We left before Stalker Sheep crossed the fence to stare at me some more with those strange sheepie eyes.

How was your weekend?

(All pics marked with 'Twinklephotos' as they were also shared on Facebook, and quite frankly I was too lazy to re-save them all).