Apologies for this, my second thoughtful post in a row. I promise there are posts less likely to make your brain ache coming soon.
Today I got a slice of well needed perspective and I wanted to share because I had a bit of an epiphany.
I've got PMT, PMS, whatever you want to call it. On top of the depression it's been making me feel really low. Generally my self-esteem is pretty good, but when I'm pre-menstrual I become an insecure mess. I compare myself to other people, which is a sure-fire way to end up miserable quick. When I feel like this, I feel 'less than' compared to other people and it makes me want to withdraw from being on Facebook, Twitter and everywhere else because I feel as if I'm a pain and people are sick of hearing from me. I start to get paranoid, thinking no one likes me, which I know isn't true because I have a loving family and lots of great friends. Even as I'm feeling these things, I know they're stupid, but still I feel them. I'm sharing this because I'm sure lots of people feel like this occasionally but might not publicly acknowledge it as it's a little embarrassing. I don't mind being embarrassed in the pursuit of honesty.
So today I've been going round feeling like crap until I got served up a nice slice of wake the hell up. My mum texted me to tell me the girl who lived opposite us at our old house died in the summer. The girl's mother wrote to my mum. This girl and I were the same age. She'd had a fall down the stairs, soldiered on for a few weeks, then gone to hospital as she was feeling so ill. She died of a blood clot on the lung 4 days later. To make matter even worse, this poor lady's only other child needs a kidney transplant. How terrible. How cruel.
Immediately I thought 'This is proof (if we need any) that you have to live your life to the fullest as you never know when your days on this earth are done.' Then I thought 'I wish I didn't need to draw perspective from someone else's heartache.'
BINGO!
Perhaps happiness is not the right word I'm looking for. Contentment? Satisfaction? Gratitude?
Wouldn't it be great if we didn't need to be reminded by horrific events that we are lucky to be here, lucky to be alive, just damn bloody lucky?
I am saying I'm taking this bit of perspective to heart and will try in future to be thankful for the good things in my life. I'll try not to focus on this few days a month where I feel like hiding out in the darkest depths of the Mariana trench and instead remember all the good that is around me. This Christmas, as I spend time with my family and friends, I will be thinking of that family, hoping against hope that a kidney is found for the daughter and that somehow they can heal their hearts after this awful loss. I feel ashamed I had to think of their hurt to realise how blessed I am. I hope in future I can look for my own blessings without needing to be reminded of the suffering of others.
I share all of this because if this finds a home in one of you, dear readers, it will have been worth it.
Hugs to anyone out there feeling 'less than' right now.
x x x
